Luigi Mangione, Jordan Neely: Where Was the Family? One Mother’s Answer
We’ve been right here all along. Help us help.
About a month ago I wrote about how my son, Ben, was close to homelessness. At the moment he is still housed, but facing eviction. Why? Because he repeatedly breaks the rules in the lease, endangering others in the building with his addict lifestyle. That is a consequence of his own choices, illogical as they may be. He needs treatment, and no one is allowed to step in to “require” it.
No. He is not “sick enough.” Running alongside my car last month, trying to jump into the driver’s seat to stop my car so he could have extra money? Not an “imminent danger” to himself or others.
Huh??
I beg to differ.
But there is no mandate requiring Ben to have the treatment he needs. My hands are tied, and I can only “help” from afar while trying to protect others that I love.
Lately, two events have brought the question of untreated mental illness to the forefront: the stories of Jordan Neely, who died by vigilante chokehold when he was frightening subway passengers, and Luigi Mangione, who murdered a Healthcare CEO in premeditated cold blood and is still somehow being hailed by some as a hero.
No. Not a Hero. But possibly very ill, with a family helpless to help.
Jordan Neely was diagnosed with schizophrenia, exacerbated by the tragic murder of his mother. He was homeless at the time of his death.
My son’s behavior when trying to get money for a fix (though of course he said it was for a concert) frightened his family enough for me to get a protective order in place. For now we send his money for rent and food, but cannot (and should not) let the behavior that is leading to his eviction be excused.
That’s us. As for Neely, I don’t know what went down in that subway car. I wasn’t there, but I do know this: the only thing worse than my son hurting himself would be if he were responsible for hurting another human being. That guilt…I can only imagine. I never want to know.
Had Luigi Mangione developed a mental illness in the months before his alleged act? As psychiatrist Dr David Laing Dawson points out, no one is really talking about that right now. But signs are there, as are stories of how hard his family searched for him when he went missing.
One thing is consistent, though, in comments on social media. People keep saying, “how could they have gotten this far? Where was the family?”
I’ll tell you where the family has been. At least this family.
This family, like so many others, has been working for years to “save” our loved one with SMI (severe mental illness) and blocked at every turn by:
anosognosia (their lack of awareness that they are ill),
substance use and abuse (often a self-medicating beginning to addiction when SMI is present)
Lack of psychiatric hospital beds
Lack of funding for more research
Blame for families
Stigma against SMI,and
a system that puts “patient rights” to homelessness, hunger, crime, addiction, and other “freedoms” about the right to be safe and get treatment.
So - where have we been, as my son Ben faces addiction and homelessness?
Right where we have been for the past two decades, ever since his diagnosis of schizophrenia:
Trying to help
Trying to arrange help
Fixing what we can.
Letting natural consequences settle - usually to no avail.
Setting boundaries.
Leaving the door open - or closing it tight if we are afraid for our safety.
Searching the streets.
Advocating for change.
Reaching out to each other.
Reversing their bad decisions.
Keeping young children away when our loved one is symptomatic,
Talking to attorneys.
Paying for rehab and “troubled teen” programs.
Declaring bankruptcy.
Visiting hospitals and jails.
Educating ourselves.
Daring to hope.
Fighting with all our heart.
We’ve been right here all along. Help us help. And - unless you have been in our shoes - stop with the comments and the snap judgments. Ask us questions instead. We are living in the trenches.
Truth!! How many people will die or kill others in subways, streets, schools and grocery stores before the nation will recognize anosognosia and the repercussions of untreated SMI? It is time for dumping seriously ill humans out onto the streets to end.
Your writing and podcast have helped me so much to understanding more about what I can do as a mother to two children with SMI. Thank you so much for turning your pain into purpose.